"Please proceed"

So the Parti Québécois is very, very busy right now trying to analyze what the hell went so wrong with their last election.  It's part entertaining, part pathetic.

And now they're mud-slinging and ripping their shirts open.  They're blaming poor-quality polls, and being forced to go off-message by other parties, and, especially, they are in agony over their own raison d'être - an independent Quebec.  Here are my favorite ideas coming out of the post-partum analysis by party.

1. "We lost because of PKP and his fist in the air".  Well, yes.  Yes, you did - in part.  But...  wait a minute.  Isn't Article 1 of your party's charter to become an independent state?  So, what you're saying is that you lost because the population was reminded of what you really stand for?  Ouch.
2. "We lost because we didn't talk enough about separation."  So you lost because the population was reminded that your entire reason for being is to eventually hold a referendum to become independent - but you also lost because you didn't talk about this issue enough?  My brain is starting to hurt...
3. "The Liberals used the Referendum Scarecrow to 'scare' people."  So are you saying that you don't want a referendum, and that the Libs are scaring people over something that will never happen?  Or are you saying that a referendum is, in fact, totally within your intentions, but that the Liberals are somehow cheating when they remind everyone that a referendum is your ultimate goal?  Because here's the thing: when you, yourselves, claim that any mention of a referendum is 'frightening' for voters, you are admitting that your reason for being is something to be nervous about.
4. "Marois put herself on the poster and didn't give the local candidates enough publicity".  So here's a newsflash: if you're in an electoral district that has a recognizable candidate like the party leader or someone well-known like, say, Agnes Maltais or Gaetan Barrette, then you recognize the name and face on the local poster. But at the end of the day, whether or not you actually know the person on the poster doesn't count for squat because a large number of people aren't really voting for a candidate: most of us are voting against the thing we don't want.  If you represent a separatist party, I ain't voting for you.  Period.  It's not about the platform, not about the local issues, not about whether or not I like the face on the poster or not.  Do you think another referendum is a good idea?  Do you really think that this issue is worth the m/billions of dollars it will take to achieve and that the money is not better spent on hospitals, schools and and pensions?  I'd rather vote for a crook who will give his buddy a contract to build a new hospital, thank you very much.
5. "Quebecers are cowards, unable to stand up and put on their pants." and/or "We lack vision as a nation".  Oh, yes, calling me a coward for standing up and saying no to something I do not want and that I know will most likely mortgage my child's future in the land of his birth will definitely convince to to adopt your point-of-view.  Calling me a cowardly unintelligent non-real-Quebecer will surely get my vote.  Riiiiiight.
6. "We tried good governance and it didn't get us re-elected, so we should drop the idea of building a good government and place our focus/energy/message back on the sovereignty issue." So you tried good governance and...  Wait - you actually think you tried good governance??  In the 18 moths you were in power you presented us with a governmental gong show with your divisive Charter for which you lied unabashedly about legal opinions, you tried to introduce nationalistic history classes for CEGEP students and toyed with the idea of revoking the right to attend English-language institutions at the collegiate level.  You reneged on balancing the budget deficit and ignored your own law on holding elections on fixed dates.  You called your own damn election at the time of your choosing instead of being toppled from your position as a minority government and got your asses handed to you by a party which remains on TV every day at the never-ending public inquiry on corruption.  You were like a government of circus clowns - and that is an insult to circus clowns, quite frankly.  If that was your attempt at "good government" I can't wait to see what you look/sound like when you drop "good governance" from your priorities.
7. "Our polls were wrong."  ORLY?  You're that bad at gaging public opinion?  You're that bad at picking your professional services?

And so I'm reminded of this : there was a turning point in the second Presidential debate between Obama and Romney, during which Romney sort of tries to trap Obama about Bengahzi, and Obama invites Romney to "please, proceed" with his line of thought.  Romney does, indeed, proceed, and proceeds to confirm that he is totally wrong. 

And so I sit at home reading about the PQ's plans to go back to their roots and re-take possession of the sovereignty issue - you know, the issue that over 60% of the population not only rejects but is so damn tired of having over their heads like a sword of Damocles that they would rather vote in a corrupt government for a four-year term over a separatist one?  The same issue that is losing ground with an increasingly open and worldly population, especially the young 'uns?  The issue that automatically shuts people down and turns them off at the very mention of it?  That issue?

Please, proceed.

Dear Jack: Noooooooooooo!

Congratulations on your victory in the last election! After being labeled the 'right driver in the wrong car' for all of these years, you finally turned the tides (at least in Quebec) and got enough of your people voted in to allow you to become the leader of the opposition. This, despite my voting for a candidate from another party in my riding, is something I see as a potentially Good Thing overall. Not to mention the fact that the stricken, shocked and confused faces over at BQ headquarters made me positively gleeful.

In the days following the election, I awaited your first statements. Those first statements would set the tone for at least the front half of your reign as the Leader of the Official Opposition. I was really looking forward to hear which of Harper's vulnerable points you would hit the hardest and the most often (because that's all you CAN do, really), and hitting those points would allow you to be the 'voice of the people' you have claimed to be. Here comes Jack, he knows what we're pissed about the most (other than being pissed at central Ontario for giving Harper a friggen majority).

And one of the first things you talked about was... the Constitution? Wait. What?

You mean to tell me that you and your handlers do not realize that talk about the constitution and/or sovereignty issues and/or looking backwards is EXACTLY what got the BQ so roundly kicked in the ass, thereby opening the door to you and your brigade of students and activists? You don't realize that the more Duceppe and the BQ pounded on the sovereignty nail, and the more they paraded around old, rusty, crusty battle-axes feebly screeching 'separate!', the more they made their own irrelevance obvious, and the more people decided to tick whatever name was beside the letters 'N', 'D', and 'P'? And so you decided to stir up the mucky riverbed of constitutional issues, just when the damn water was starting to clear a little?

Allow this arm-chair, keyboard-wielding amateur to tell you a few things that your entourage of professionals don't seem to be making very clear to you (because I refuse to think that they don't know this...).

1. People did not vote for local candidates. They voted along party lines. They didn't vote for the Vegas Candidate, they just 'Voted For Jack'. A monkey could have been used as a face on a campaign sign and it wouldn't have made a lick of difference. People in Quebec are tired of backwards-looking and backwards-thinking candidates that are mired somewhere back in 1992. They voted for YOU. Smarten up and be more careful about what comes out of your mouth. And while I'm at it, Mr. Experienced Mulcair needs to back off on Bin-Laden-Isn't-Dead conspiracy theories if you're going to attempt to retain credibility for your party, but I digress...

2. If the Canadian electoral system weren't broken, you'd be Prime Minister, but the House of Commons would be a pot-pourri of MPs from across the different parties. Because if you want Jack as PM, you have to vote for the local monkey with the letters 'NDP' next to their name even if that monkey was off campaigning in Vegas, or holed up in the McGill ghetto somewhere studying for the PoliSci final. This reality makes you even more important - you ARE your party, at this point. So watch your mouth and focus on important things.

I want to be clear on one thing: I do not have a problem with young or inexperienced candidates wanting to throw their hats in the ring and trying (and succeeding) in getting elected. The Fat White Men in Suits who run things need to be kicked in the teeth every once in a while by the People. New people that go around questioning the status quo, asking why the same old inefficient and corrupt goings-on continue to go on, is a Good Thing. But it's only a good thing if the young gun ran a campaign, convinced his constituents that s/he was a better candidate, and got voted in with the expectation that, if elected, s/he would be off to Ottawa and would go gladly. A bunch of these newly-minted MPs expected to be place-holders, a face to put on an NDP campaign poster that fully expected to lose their elections and go on with their regular lives, using the experience as something that looks good on a resume. I just hope this crop of unexpectedly-elected will take advantage of the big fat gift they've been given and do something good with it.

But back to Jack... What are the important things you should be talking about? Oh, look, it's the start of a new list...

1. Gas, gas, gas, Jumping Jack Flash. Today is Tuesday, which everyone knows is gas-price-hike day. The day that the criminally greedy fat cats at the oil companies make trillions in profit just by sending out an email to gas stations that reads, "It's Tuesday, you know what to do." You should be the pissed-off voice of all Canadians (including the morons that gave Harper his majority) about the price of gas. My closest gas station is selling the stuff at close to $1.45 per liter today: so ask me again if I give a rat's ass about the friggen constitution. Here's what you should do: every Monday, you stand in front of which ever is the closest gas station to you, and you say, "When the price of gas goes up tomorrow morning - and we all know tomorrow is Tuesday and the prices will go up - I would like for you to help me hold PM Harper accountable by sending his office emails and by calling his phone lines, asking why he does nothing to help regular Canadians, working people and families and small business owners, be able to buy affordable, Canadian-made gas." Then you say, "Taxes collected from the sale of the currently over-priced gas should be invested into reliable, efficient, safe and clean public transportation, and into developing Canadian-made alternatives to gas that we will then be able to sell to the world." You do that, and you'll win the next election.

2. I, along with thousands of other Canadians, would really like to have a family doctor. Anyone qualified will do: male or female, recognized as an MD, born here or elsewhere... as long as I can get an appointment within, say, 8 weeks, and actually get a checkup and a few tests done to make sure I'm doing alright. The Constitution does not make family doctors magically appear and take on new patients. The Constitution does not perform pap smears and breast exams, does not check my blood pressure and cholesterol levels and cannot tell me if that mole I don't like the look of should be looked into further. The Constitution is far, far, far down on my list of priorities right now and every time it is mentioned, my blood pressure goes up and I swear I will never vote for you as long as you keep bringing it up, so we're both worse off than we were before. You need to talk about the doctors and moldy hospitals that we have to line up to get into, and make it Harper's fault - he wants to buy fighter jets while Grandma's melanoma goes undetected, oh the travesty. Because it IS a travesty.

3. Anything else BUT the Constitution. The economy, employment insurance, job creation, small business, schools and higher education, the aging population and the financial and emotional strain it puts on younger people... talk about any issue EXCEPT the constitution (and language issues) and I will lend you my ear. But I promise you, I will shut down, take my ball, and go home if you keep ripping the scab off of the wounds of sovereignty. I can't take any more hot air about referendums and the constitution. I. Just. Can't. The BQ is comatose, the PQ is fizzling and sputtering, and there's finally a glimmer of hope that people here are accepting the inevitable dominance of English in the world, that they understand that the rise of English is not a plot against them that they need to take personally and that they can live and thrive in French without isolating themselves into a banana republic, and what do you do? You tote out the C-word. Stop it. No, really. Just... stop it!

It's going to be a long and depressing four years with Harper at the helm. I am worried, depressed and ashamed to have him as the leader of my beloved country. Much as some reasonable Americans contemplated moving here during the Bush Reign, I wondered if I could move to live under the reign of President Obama instead of here, with Harper. The Republican Tea-Party changed my mind back for me, but that doesn't make me any happier to have Harper. What would make me happy would be an official opposition that actually sounds and behaves like they oppose Harper and his ilk WITHOUT having to hear about the Constitution. If people wanted that, they would have stuck with the has-beens at the BQ. YOU got the votes, now stop beating a dead horse.